Chapter 83 - Reflections of my Heart and More Tidings

Discourse #13

Mine has been a life of many false pretenses.

For example, if I was asked by someone of this elusive and ephemeral concept, this ambiguous question—

What is happiness?

I would merely reply with a logic of my own making, and yet in another sense, of others' making. I would say that happiness is a state that is derived from many factors such as a good life, freedom from suffering, prosperity, pleasure, friends and family, and with it, bonds.

In my human life, I have been told many times, even as a child, that I was different from others. That I was too cold and unfeeling. Even my father, who was the closest to me, was kept at a distance, a distance forged from my own making and his making.

One time-forged concept is that the environment in which you are brought up in is a huge factor in your personality and life. Likewise, I was no exception to this.

Thus, this was how my personality—if my natural-born dampened emotions and somewhat feigned interactions could even be called a personality—was influenced and made.

I already knew, from the very beginning, since I was just a mere child, that I was different. That I was lacking emotions. The ones that I did have in an extensive sense—curiosity, for example—could not even be called an emotion.

I knew that I was not human.

In fact, I was more of a spectator observing the humans' interactions than I was a human. It was through these observations that my false pretenses were forged.

I was a deceiver, a liar.

Through the years as a human child, I learned. I could fool almost everyone except the ones who were closest to me and sharp enough to see through my false interactions and somewhat dampened emotions.

I could give out a smile that could mask my underlying indifference. I could form an expression that could tell you I was somewhat sad, or somewhat happy. Sure, I was lacking in certain areas—it was hard to make up false pretenses for the wide range of strong emotions humans have—but I tried, regardless.

These false pretenses of mine, however, were sometime seen through by the occasional sharp humans, especially the elderly and the tragic or outcast ones. Some of them were experienced in matters of emotions and closely attuned with themselves, having been through many experiences. Thus, they could somewhat see through me.

I will give you an example of one such person. Rhea, for example, the slave I had, was a person who had become quite close to me before her death. She could see through me after I had spent some weeks as her owner.

That desert nomad had been through quite a lot, which I learned from her story. Perhaps I will write it down or speak of it to you someday, or perhaps I won't. Regardless, she was a perceptive person. This was one of the reason why I continued to be intrigued by her.

To this day, I still do not know why she liked me, perhaps I will even go as much as loved me.

Anyway, let me continue on to a different matter, since I do not want to dwell on her too much.

Being a merchant and traveling with my father brought me to many different places, poor villages and towns, and prosperous cities and towns. In one such town—the name is not so important—I would see a few bands of orphans with dirtied and ragged clothing walking around, begging for money, some even resorting to stealing.

The first thing that came into mind when I see them would be something akin to an indifferent curiosity, if that was even a concept. I would wonder what their stories were and how they had gotten to be here at this point of life. Then after they were out of sight, I would realize that I had forgotten to feel pity for them.

If I was with Falin Mead, my father, during those times, I would see him go and give them a few coins. At those times, I would observe with curiosity why he would do that. It had become something of a ritual to me by then.

I would wonder—

Did my father feel pity? Did he feel an emotion such as “my fellow humanity.” Or was it something selfish? Something like a need to self-consciously promote yourself, to reinforce and better your self-image.

That said, my conclusion of myself and what is happiness?

I was just me. Human or not human, monster or not monster. I was myself. My false pretenses were all aspects of me, granted, they were observed and taken from others.

Hah.

So in a way, having been reincarnated into a dragon after my human death, was suitable to me.

I was still me, my indifferent and dampened self, and perhaps no longer human, if I was even one in the first place.

------------

[95 Days Remaining]

A month, to be precise, thirty days, after Calina had departed for King's Bastion, the enormous castle where King Balan would hold court, I was at the northern garrisons place, to which a large section of Asolance was devoted to. It was in this place that I was meeting up with the three thousand soldiers I commanded as a Gold Knight Commander.

Beside me were three people: Lana, the other Gold Knight Commander, my vice-commander Orik, who had a plain looking appearance with short-brown hair, and Sir Rown Valterio, a knight captain serving under me. Rowan Valterio was also known to others as the Silver Knight and he was also the opponent whom I had faced in the tournament.

“I trust everything went well, Rowan?” I said informally, not bothering to add a “Sir,” or “Knight” before his name. We had become fast friends during the turmoil period and especially after I had been promoted into a Gold Knight Commander.

“It did, Verath. The goblins were no match, especially when I was full of love for you,” Rowan said while directing the full force of his dog-like eyes at me.

To this, I simply replied with an, “I see.” His words and appearance were far too much for my comfort. Then again, I was beginning to get used to his antics.

“In another note, Commander Verath,” Orik butted in. “I have received news from some of the squadrons you sent out to rid the dark elves and goblins near Asolance.”

“Good news, I hope?” I asked with some interest.

“Yes. There were some casualties in some of the squadrons, but all of the dark elves and goblins have been eliminated. Still, it is strange that their hideouts were so close to such a populated area.”

It was done. I had killed the ones who had been involved with my death and my father's death. Merchant Zafer, the baron of the eastern region, and the mercenary goblins and dark elves were all dead now.

Now, there was only Veena's father left to deal with. I had learned from my the two spymasters and Ministers of War that Veena's father, Celdric Shadow, was hiding out in the western region after causing many troubles. His organization, Malice, had been almost all but obliterated after the failed revolt in the kingdom.

I silently observed the sight in front of me.

Out in the large courtyards, there were soldiers from Lana's side and from my side drilling and practicing different maneuvers. Beside the multiple courtyard and training grounds, I saw a hooded and cloaked figure frantically running toward me while going around the group of soldiers training.

The cloaked figure seemed to be a male and was dressed in the light green uniform the official messengers wore; on the side of his arm, he had a winged emblem attached showing his official capacity as a messenger.

It took some time before the messenger stopped in front of me, taking some time to catch his breath, which came frantically at irregular intervals. Then he straightened his posture and I saw serious-looking eyes underneath his hooded face.

“Under orders of King Balan Shail, the behest of Grandmaster Kizam Vulcram and his elder brother, Grandmaster Rineal Vulcram, I come to bring news of Baroness Calina Serle's death. The three offenders, named by witnesses as Gwen, Ilana, and Kal, have been caught and were immediately executed by the grandmasters, but the fourth unknown offender, however, escaped. In regards to her untimely death, King Balan offers his sincerest condolences and will allow Grandmaster Rineal Vulcram and Kizam Vulcram to substitute for her in court.”

“Also, King Balan Shail has deemed Lord Gustav Serle, the only survivor of the Serle family and the closest relation, as the new baron of the northern region. Once again, the king offers Lord Gustav Serle his greatest condolences and to all the acquaintances and friends of Baroness Calina.”

The messenger took a deep breath to catch some air. “I offer you my condolences also. The other messenger, my partner, is at the moment also delivering these news to Baron Gustav Serle and any other persons of importance.”

The cloaked green figure then turned around after imparting those words.

Around me, I could feel the grave silence in the air. There were solemn looks on the faces of the people around me, especially on the face of Gold Knight Commander Lana. She looked as if she was about to cry, and I suppose it was only natural, since I knew that Calina and Lana had been close to each other. Lana, I had learned, was a person who had taken care of Calina as a child. She was also a person who was greatly indebted to the Serle family.

Lana's voice was shaking as she broke the silence around us. “I think I will go inform General Ochram and Lavok, if they have not already been notified. I will see you all later...”

“Ah...” Rowan said hesitantly, “I will go back and train with my squadron. Farewell, Commander Verath.”

Just like that, only Orik was left standing next to me. “It seems, Commander Verath, that this morning and today will be an unfortunate and solemn day. It is surprising to me that the three offenders turned out to be the three bodyguards you hired. I do wonder who the fourth offender was though.”

Orik's voice was soft as he said those words. There was no reprimanding tone behind them, but I could feel the measured words and Orik's careful voice. I knew and he knew that it was my fault for sending those three assassins along with Calina. Being my close confidant and vice-commander, Orik truly knew who the three assassins were. But even then, he did not chose to point out my fault. There was no need to. He was a cunning person who could see through my actions.

“I will leave things here to you, Orik,” I replied back in a voice as soft as his.

“Of course, Gold Knight Commander Verath. I shall serve you to the best of my capacity,” Orik said amiably.

At that, I quickly left the northern garrisons, leaving the place to go see the new Baron and now the only remaining survivor of the Serle family—Baron Gustav Serle, a ten year old boy.

As I walked on the path beside the courtyards and training grounds, I was greeted by many of my soldiers. They still did not know of the news, but it would soon be announced throughout every region of Shail Kingdom. Everyone would know of the incident then.

Thus, it was beneath the somewhat cloudy grey skies twinged with a little red that I received news of Calina's death, a month after her departure. It was beneath these skies that I was weighed down by my small regrets and by the reflections of my heart, and perhaps a little sadness.

I was still me, though, if perhaps a little troubled by the news of Calina's death. I had, after all, spent more than half a year in close proximity with her.

But no matter what happened, I would still be my indifferent and curious self, though my present self is a little different from my past self now.

Many events, after all, would occur that would change me a little.