Chapter 94: Allowing into your mind (2)

“Is everything alright Highness?” I asked.

She laughed bitterly. “I should be asking you that Lord Frederick. You are the one that has lost someone close to....” her voice petered out and she was no longer looking at me. Staring off into the rain mist.

“I'm sorry Lord Frederick. I truly am.”

I decided that the best thing I could do at the moment was to let her talk.

“I've been thinking about this for a while Lord Frederick and I apologise but I decided that I couldn't leave what I have to say unsaid. I can only ask that you hear me out and then, when I'm done, I hope that you can forgive me.”

“Ok,”

She looked at my face for the first time and I could see the tears on her face, almost hidden by the rain but not quite.

“He's devoted to you, you know.” She said after a while.

“Who?” I asked stupidly.

She managed a bitter laugh. “You know that for a clever man you can be incredibly stupid sometimes?”

“It has been said before.”

She nodded. “You're making this difficult.”

She took another deep breath. “I'm talking about Kerrass.”

“I see.” I said carefully. I had the feeling that I was talking to someone who was on the verge of shattering like glass.

“No,” she said. “I don't think you do.” She took another deep breath. “Kerrass is devoted to you. I strongly suspect that he would die for you if you asked him or he would die for you if it meant that it would save your life. He's taken on one of those foolish male things that means he thinks he owes you a great debt.”

She looked away again.

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“I know you're going away, tramping through the countryside with him, doing what you need to do to assuage your own sense of guilt and grief over what has happened. And I don't want you to think that I'm unsympathetic. Francesca was kind to me when I arrived at court. She made me feel at ease and relaxed in a way that I hadn't felt since before I went to sleep. So I understand your feelings, I really do. But, I need to say this.”

She looked me square in the eye. She might as well have pinned me to the tree with a dagger as her lips drew back from her teeth in a snarl that looked all the more vicious for the fact that her face was clearly unused to the expression.

“If he dies. If you lead him into some un-winnable battle or if he sacrifices his life to save yours. If you come back from this latest stage of your journey and he does not. Then I will kill you.”

My mouth must have fallen open.

“This is not a joke.” She went on. “This is not some kind of empty threat, nor is it some kind of childish response. If you get him killed? I will see you dead.”

There was a fury in her that I had not seen. I thought I had seen pain, sadness and a certain amount of anguish but now I saw a rage that I will admit, I had not thought that she was capable of.

“I understand.” I said carefully.

“I still don't think you do.” She snarled, her eyes blazing. “Whether I have to spend what little money I have left, trade in some kind of political or economic favour or whatever. I will have you brought to me and I will have your entrails pulled out. I....”

She seemed to fold in on herself as the rage which seemed to have been giving her what strength she needed left her as abruptly as it started.

“I can't lose him too Lord Frederick. I just... I just can't.” The anguish was back in her voice. She was shaking and I finally managed to recognise what was going on with her. The sheer effort of containing her own survivors guilt and her own traumas and her own emotions had taken their toll. Now they were spilling out of her in waves that she just didn't have the strength to control. Thanks for reading on ManaNovel!

She had clenched her hands into fists. Her eyes had lost the shine of Fury and instead she was pleading with me. She shuddered and shook until she had to close her eyes.

Carefully, I got up from my seated position and shuffled over until I could take her into my arms and hold her.

I had forgotten, that despite her age of over one hundred and twenty years, despite her power and her goodness, wisdom, beauty and intelligence. I had forgotten that she was a sixteen year old girl who was now in a strange world surrounded by strange people and all of her friends and family were dead.

“I'm sorry.” I said softly as I began to feel her relax. “I had forgotten and I didn't realise. I'm so sorry.”

She wept for a long time. I don't know how long and I just did my best to comfort her as best as I could. How do you help a person who has been through everything that this young woman had been through? Eventually, by stages though, I could feel her claw her self control back. Or maybe she had run out of emotions just then, I don't know and would be willing to bet that she didn't know the answer to that either.

I pulled away first as I didn't want to overstay my welcome.

“I'm sorry.” She said after another minute or two which she spent cleaning herself up with a handkerchief which she had tucked inside her sleeve. “After everything you and your family have been through the last thing you needed was to have to deal with an angry and upset princess.”

“It's ok.”

“No it's not.” She said. “But thank you for saying it. I should be cheering you on, telling you that I will do anything in my power to help you and telling you that I will do my best to help your other family members through their own grief. I will do all of those things, of course I will but I couldn't get past how angry I am with all of this.”

“It's ok.”

“No, it's not.” She said again. “Goddess but it's so hard to explain.”

“You don't have to explain.”

“Yes I do.” she said sternly, just a hint of her anger coming back through. “Yes I do.”

I realised that my role in this conversation was to listen so I settled back trying to be as gentle as I could.

“Where to begin really?” She, ironically, began. “Ever since I was old enough to remember I've been told that I was going to marry someone. It was like the entire purpose of my being was to marry and produce children for the good of the Kingdom. Beyond that I had no....reason for existence.

“Then I was cursed and I woke up one thousand, two hundred and thirty seven years later to find that this part of my life has, essentially, not changed. Only now it's more desperate. I simply must get married and produce heirs to preserve the future of my Kingdom. I've been out of my enchanted sleep for maybe eight months and already I've met more eligible men of a marriageable age than I could reasonably remember.

“I have hated all of them, with no exceptions and when you write this up, as I know you will, I want you to say that and I want you to tell them why.

“The reason is this. When I look at these people I see one of two things. The first thing is disgust. Rather naively I asked why once and it turns out that to a certain kind of modern noble I am “damaged goods.” I am quaint, and backwards. I have no father or mother to negotiate with and my Kingdom is rather far from the centre of the Empire so the chances of any kind of “society” forming there are slim,”

She sniffed derisively,

“Plus there is the rather obvious problem that I am no longer a virgin and have been the mother to several bastards. The fact that I was raped and that what bastards were sired on me were the product of said rapes doesn't seem to enter into the equation. This has made these people think of me as being damaged goods or “soiled” in some way.

“Their words, not mine,”

I managed to contain my loathing and did my best to keep my face still.

“But that kind of honest disgust is almost better than the other thing that I get to see. That being the expression of lust that comes over them.”

She sobbed a little and looked down at her hands. She seemed to realise that she was wringing them in her dress causing creases and almost hurting herself. She visibly forced herself to let go and place her hands flat on her legs. She was frowning in concentration as she did so.

“Again this breaks down into two kinds of lust. The first kind is when the person doesn't see me. What they see is a child bearing machine that also comes with the ability to refer to themselves as “King” while having access to all of the land, mineral and trade wealth that my nation commands. The fact that “I have a pretty face and a nice pair of tits” is an unexpected bonus.

“Again, I am quoting things that have actually been said, to my face as well as behind my back.

“But then the absolute worst is the expression of raw sexual lust that comes over a man's face when he sees me. It's like they're hungry or something. On more than one occasion I've seen men visibly start to salivate at the prospect of marrying me. I don't think that you men realise how ugly you look when you do that. When your mouth hangs open, your eyes hood themselves and you start to sweat and lose control of your intelligence. I've heard other women describe it as being endearing but I always though of it as being disgusting. Then, after a superhuman effort, I manage to not take offence before making excuses and leaving which is normally when the man's relatives and friends start trotting out the insults about “damaged goods,” and “uncouth whore-bitch.”

“Again, I'm not making those things up.”

I found I was grinding my teeth.

“My subjects look at me with adoration. They don't see the girl, the woman underneath the crown and they need to believe in that otherwise they would look up from what they were doing and realise how desperate our situation is. But other than them, only three men have ever looked at me differently. Only three.”

She looked at me out of the corner of her eye.

“I don't know whether it's because of my history, or what was done to me while I was asleep or because of what I've seen and heard since I woke up but I find I've got astonishingly low standards now when it comes to men. From my perspective the bar is set awfully low but, to date, only three people have passed my little test.

“All a man has to do to catch my eye is to look at me and see me. Not my Kingdom, not my history and not my appearance. That's all. That's not too much to ask is it?

“It sometimes seems so though. I've talked to the Empress and she has the same problem although she admits that she has, at least, known physical affection. She pointed out that as I'm already, provably, not a virgin and no, before you get concerned, I don't blame you for letting that piece of information out of the bag. It was already well known throughout most of the world that I had been raped multiple times.

“She asked why I don't take a lover or something. I told her that I was a bit young for that sort of thing wasn't I?

“She looked at me strangely as I recall.

“But I don't have that luxury. My reputation is the reputation of my Kingdom. I don't have the Imperial armies to back me up if I feel insulted or upset by someone. All there is, is me.

“I've left the topic.

“Only three men have ever looked at me the way I want to be looked at, where they see a person rather than...something else.

“One of those people is you.”

I very carefully said nothing.

“Unfortunately, Your heart is given elsewhere and the lady in question is someone I hold in high esteem which killed the idea of any kind of romance for me almost as soon as the thought occurred. I did, briefly explore whether your brother Samuel was cut from a similar cloth as yourself but no...I like your brother but there was something about him that just made my skin crawl.”

I was still telling myself that I should never lose an opportunity to keep my mouth shut.

“Another person was Sir Thomas of the Imperial Guard.” She nearly sobbed again. “I understand that you were with him when he died.”

I nodded again. The memory was still fresh for me and a lump had grown in my throat.

“I'm sorry,” she said, gently enough to break my heart. “I didn't mean to bring up painful memories.”

“No, it's ok. I didn't know you and he knew each other.”

“Only in passing. I met him at one of the early balls. It was plain that he had a bit of a crush on your sister but he was kind, gentle, intelligent and funny. I made some discreet enquiries and discovered that he was part of the Imperial royal family, albeit a distant one. I made some more enquiries in the way of such things, his mother told me that he didn't think he had a chance with me which explained some of his attitude towards me but I found that I liked it.

“Then he died. I didn't even know him, not really anyway but I've taken his death hard.”

“I'm sorry.”

“I know and I've been working every day to convince myself that it wasn't your fault. To feel a bit less guilty that it was you that was with him as he died rather than me but.... I didn't know him but I miss him. I miss your sister too. She was kind to me when she didn't need to be.”

“She would be.”

“But the only person left, who treats me like a person rather than my rank, my looks or my lands. The only person left is Kerrass. I can't lose him too Freddie.”

I didn't say anything.

“I know that I'm sixteen. I know that this might well be just some kind of teenage crush, made worse by the fact that he has properly saved my life and watched over me for many many years. He's handsome to look at and he is kind to me. He....He cares Freddie. He loves me. Not my body, not my land or my rank. He loves me.”

The tears stood out in her eyes.

“I don't know if this is love that I feel. I don't know if this is some kind of childish infatuation or what the fuck it is but at the same time I know that if I lost him as well as everything else that I have lost I... I don't know if I could.... I don't know if I would survive it Freddie. I don't know if I could....”

I put my arms round her again and she sobbed.

“You probably think this is all incredibly childish of me.” She said.

“No. No I don't.” I said. “No-one, least of all me knows even a fraction of what you've been through or what you're going through. If I may though?”

“What?”

“Have you thought about talking about this to someone?”

“Who could I possibly talk to?”

I sighed. “Just off the top of my head. The Empress, Emma, Laurelen, Ariadne, your mother,” the mental imagine of the Princess talking to Maleficent about her woes crossed my mind suddenly. “Well maybe not your mother. She might hunt down and torch every idiotic man on the continent. I apologise on behalf of my gender by the way.”

“So it might be a good idea after all,” I was relieved to see some of her humour coming back. Even if it was just a little part.

“Where was I...Ah yes. A priest of some kind. I would suggest a priestess of Melitele as they tend to be a lot more understanding when it comes to this kind of thing. I understand that you still have Marion to talk to”

“Marion doesn't understand. She thinks that a lot of the societal rules about monogomy, romance, polygamy, sex and all the realms in between are a little....I'm, going to say unusual. She would ask whether my problem is a physical one before offering to make arrangements.”

“The mind boggles.” I commented.

The Princess giggled. “I'll tell her you said that.”

“Please do. Give her my best.”

“I will.”

“My point though, Highness, is that you don't have to carry this burden on your own. Share the load a little. Add me to the list of people that you can talk to if you want. I'm sure you can convince a Sorceress to get word to me. Speaking of Sorceresses, Madame Yennefer has forgotten more about how Witcher's work than I have ever known. If you want some insight into Kerrass' mindset then you could do worse than talking to her.”

“All good points. And I do feel better for talking about it.”

“Good. Some more uncomfortable points now. Have you talked to Kerrass about how you feel?”

“I didn't have to.” She said, wiping her face again. “He knew somehow. I think it's another reason that he's chosen to go travelling with you again. He thinks that some time apart might change my mind about him.... He might be right after all of that. He says that we can't be together. That he is a Witcher and that I am a Princess and that just won't work. It doesn't help that he's right.”

I blew some air out of my lungs.

“Look,” I said. “I love Kerrass like a brother. In many ways I love him more than my brothers and I want more than anything to see him happy. I know that he loves you.”

“I do too.”

“But I also know that he sometimes enjoys torturing himself with his past history. He hates himself for so much of it, including what he allowed to happen to you.”

She opened her mouth to protest.

“I know, I know. That wasn't his fault. If he'd fought, he would have died and then not be able to come back and help wake you up. But he likes to torture himself. There's a lot of darkness in his past and he hates himself for that. I don't know what I'm saying here but I think it's possible that he might be depriving himself of your company to punish himself for his own stupid....so very stupid....reasons.

“That's not to say that he's wrong. You are a Princess and he's a Witcher. But another reason that he might feel uncomfortable is the fact that, you might be over one hundred and twenty years old but you still look sixteen and he is....”

“Older? I know.”

“So give him some time. And give yourself some time as well. I do remember being sixteen and I know you want everything yesterday while also realising how childish you can sometimes be. Believe me I remember the feeling well. But give yourself time.”

I laughed. “When I was sixteen I was absolutely besotted with a woman. You'll like her. Her name's Shani and she's a doctor in Oxenfurt. I was convinced that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and raise many happy children. It took me two years to ask her out and although she did it gently, she broke my heart. I remember that my tutor gave me a version of this speech and it didn't help me then as I'm sure it's not helping you now. But now, Shani is a good friend of mine and I am engaged to be married to a higher vampire who I'm madly in love with. The world is a funny place.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

“Finally....” I grinned slyly, “You are the Queen of Dorn. The only person more powerful than you in your realm is the Empress. If you decide that it's ok for things to be reversed and that all you need is some kind of consort whose only job is to make you pregnant occasionally while you do all of the ruling. Then you can do that. Get the Empress to back you up. Have your mother standing nearby grinning at the poor man. I guarantee that he won't complain if you then go off and have “adventures” with whoever you like. And if people don't like that? Fuck 'em. Your people will refuse to follow anyone else anyway.

“Or alternatively. Get your mother to have a word.”

She laughed at the idea.

“Lastly,” I ventured. “I will say this. And I don't want you to think that I'm being self-serving here, although I am a little.”

“What is it?”

“Kerrass makes his own choices. It was him that suggested that we depart on the road. It was him that has come up with a list of places for us to go and people for us to visit. I will do my best to defend him, the same as I would ever do, but he's a big man now. He makes his own choices and sometimes, he doesn't like being looked after.”

“I know. I know all of that. But I was, and am a little, still so very angry. Not just at you but the entire world. At my parents for getting me in this mess. At you for taking Kerrass from me. For Jack from taking Thomas from me. All of the little injustices that are not my fault but are also not the fault of those people that I find that I blame. They all mount up and I don't know what to do with them.”

“I know. I'm so sorry.”

“I'm sorry too. More than I can say. I'm so sorry about your sister. As I say. I liked her, I would have liked to know her better. I think we could have been friends if we had had the time, you know, to know each other a little better.”

I nodded.

We hugged again and it seemed that we had both run out of things to say. She gathered up her chair, swore at it a little as she remembered how to fold it up. Gave me a sad little wave before setting off to go back to town.

I had to turn away and have a little cry myself, for a while.

-

In the end, the search for my sister began to peter out after four weeks as the Knights Errant, the Imperial forces and just about everyone else began to report in to the palace that she couldn't be found in Toussaint.

The final report was delivered to the Empress five weeks and six days after she disappeared and she accepted the report calmly and utterly without facial expression. She read it twice. Calmly and quietly. At the end she had a few questions for the knights and officers in command of the search before dismissing all of us to be alone with her thoughts.

Shortly after that we received word that the Empress had decided to leave Toussaint and head back to the capital city of Nilfgaard of the golden towers and that her escort and bureaucracy needed to be ready to move within the week.

Apparently the search of Toussaint as a whole uncovered the culprits of one murder: A woman had discovered that her abusive husband had arranged for her younger lover to be killed and had buried him in a ditch. The searchers had dug up the grave thinking that it might have been Francesca but were disappointed. The woman was awaiting trial when I left and I haven't heard anything since.

As well as this, the search uncovered three petty smuggling operations of relatively minor importance. People selling expensive wine before it was properly aged and passing it off as the real thing. They also routed six bandit camps and dislodged a larger bandit force that had, apparently, been troubling the countryside for some time.

There were also two brothels that were acting illegally. Prostitution is legal in Toussaint but the operation has to be run according to the safety of the prostitutes. These two brothels were the kind of place that nobles who think of themselves as being “above the law,” went to to rough up the girls and boys a little bit. They also found a necromancer who could just about animate a rabbit and a local branch of the cult of the Lion headed spider.

All of these things were found but absolutely no sign of my sister. It was as though she had vanished into thin air.

As far as I could tell, as the Empress had let me read a copy of the report, there was no question that hadn't been asked when it came to the local investigation. Divers had searched the river as completely as they could with the help of the lady Keira Metz. It was suggested that Francesca could have drifted out to sea but that was deemed unlikely as the prevalent currents nearly always meant that anything the size of a body would be caught in the fisherman's nets or would float elsewhere where it would have been found long before it got to the sea.

One of the things that Toussaint boasts is it's own resident Witcher. A strand of the search had questioned whether or not my sister could have been taken and dumped into a nest of Necrophages and as such there wouldn't be anything left to find. Lord Geralt had argued that there are no Necrophage nests in the Duchy that would consume an entire body in one go. If there were Necrophages out and about, he suggested, then they would keep some of the body back to be enjoyed later in leaner times which meant that something would have been found.

The ships that had been in port had been one of the first things that had been searched and there was no sign of her. Orders had been given and the mouth of the river had been blockaded by the Imperial navy and nothing had got out to sea so the theory that a small fisherman's boat could have been loaded up with the body and sent out to sea was denied.

I read the report with great interest. I read it carefully and slowly, making notes about questions that I had and then crossed out the questions when it would turn out that that question had also been asked and answered later in the report. When I was done, I tore it up into the smallest pieces that I could manage and threw them on the fire before going out and getting as drunk as I've ever gotten in my life. Drunker than that time I had declared my undying love for Dr Shani in Oxenfurt and she had gently turned me down. Drunker than I got at my farewell party before departing on the road to meet Kerrass. Drunker than at my Fathers wake.

I got so drunk that I don't know how I got home that night and when I woke up, I was so ill that my kidney's actually hurt.

So drunk that it took me two days to recover.

It was that day that Kerrass came to me and came up with our plan. He told me that the Empress, Lord Voorhis and Nilfgaard as a whole would be handling the mundane investigation. That they would be chasing up political suspects and discussing the matter with nations and ambassadors, with nobles and merchants. He said that every avenue large and small from our families past would be investigated, from Francesca's past at court and he argued that no-one was more qualified to do those things than the Imperial Intelligence Service as led by Lord Voorhis.

That left the magical investigation. It was clear and obvious that the only way that Frannie could have dissappeared so comprehensively was by arcane means. That this was done in a way that circumvented the shield that the Lodge of Sorceresses had put over the city meant that this was a type of magic that ran contrary to established laws of magic and the Lodge were concerned by this. Justifiably so. That meant that they would be investigating the magical implications of my sisters disappearance and that no-one was more qualified than the Lodge of Sorceresses to investigate the magical aspect of the investigation.

But.

There was one element of investigation that was missing. That element was the monstrous element. He argued that, just because it was obvious that there was a magical element to Frannie's disappearance that suggested that an intelligence was behind the disappearance did not mean that the disappearance was masterminded by a government or magic user. He pointed out that there had just been another Conjunction of spheres which meant that there could be something new out there. Something Monstrous. He suggested that we had made enemies of several monstrous things and people during our travels. He said that, although we had both given our record of travel to both sides of the investigation, that there were things, places and Sources that only we knew about. Places that we could go and talk to. Enemies that we could pursue.

When I asked who I had in mind he talked about the Kalayn cult in the north. The lands of which he was still engaged by Sammy to go and investigate. He suggested Lord Fuck-face of Angral who had, thankfully, gotten the magic to control Ariadne wrong all that time ago. Where did he get those ideas from? He also suggested that just because Jack didn't care and the beast of Amber's crossing had been banished, didn't meant that there were other creatures and beings out there of similar power level that might hold a grudge.

He said words like “Schattenmann” and “Horseman.” he also said that he had other sources that could be questioned. People and places that neither the Intelligence service, nor the Lodge of Sorceresses would consider contacting.

But we could.

Of course I took him up on the offer. I desperately needed to do something. Anything to feel useful, to feel as though I was doing...something.

But then I found that I didn't want to go. The strangest of feelings came over me. I was the last Coulthard still in residence in Toussaint.

Emma and Sam had gone first, taking Laurelen with them. The Imperial Investigators (the fact that they were referring to themselves as “The Imperial Auditors” was not encouraging) wanted to go through the business dealings to try and figure out if the family had annoyed anyone in particular from that angle. They also wanted to go through our correspondence as well as Father's historical correspondence and talk to many of our immediate neighbours.

I had asked the Empress to see if I could have a look at that report as well when it was done but she declined.

Mark went next. He had stayed for a while, resisting the pressure to leave and get back to his ministry. He sent the Investigators off with his own private secretary with orders that they could look at, read and talk to whoever and whatever they like. But the church delegation left about a week later and as Mark couldn't come up with another excuse to stay. He left.

Which left me. The Archchancellor had also gone a little while ago and had told me that I should take as much time as I needed. He did suggest that if I was going to be taking my time to go back to Oxenfurt then I might begin by gathering material for another book. I made non-committal noises and he clapped me on the shoulder in farewell.

The palace was running out of people that I knew. The Lodge of Sorceresses were going back to their places of power to return to their original research, jobs or to better work to understand the new form of magic that had entered the world and now I was the only Coulthard there. Now that the Empress was making preparations to leave, the Duchess was shifting the way things worked to be more in lone with the vision of knighthood and security that the Empress had set out for Toussaint.

She was taking no prisoners either.

But despite the almost constant queue of Knights Errant who would come to me and swear oaths, often still on the heron, that they wouldn't rest until Francesca was found and her kidnappers brought to justice. I found that I didn't want to leave.

I was being irrational and I knew it. I wanted to be here when they found her. I wanted her to know that I had never given up on her. That I had waited in Toussaint until she turned up. I suspect that this was part of what had held Mark back as well. Emma and Sam were more people of action and felt that they could best help Frannie by going and doing what they needed to do. But I am a romantic and I kept fantasising that she would be found. Held prisoner somewhere and that she would be brought back to Toussaint where I would catch her in my arms and make sure that no-one ever hurt her again.

It was ridiculous and the fact that I knew that made it worse.

But then the scene would play out in my brain, over and over again. The Empress, pale as a sheet in her dark blue overcoat looking up at the investigators. “So she's not here then?”

“No your majesty.” The Empress had nodded before turning and dismissing us all.

I was being pointless. I was being useless and that hurt.

So abruptly, one day I rose from my bed and instead of dressing in my court finery I dressed in my newly purchased travelling clothes, took up my pack and my spear and left without looking back. I sent a messenger to Kerrass as to where he should meet me and that he should get supplies and I walked up the hill to wait.

-

The next person I saw was Kerrass. But he was not the next person that found me.

I was still sat leaning against the same tree. After watching the Princess head down the slope I must have dozed because I woke up suddenly with a hugely stiff neck. I managed to climb to my feet and stretch in an effort to get the kinks out and was just settling down to look down the path. In the distance, still some distance away, Kerrass was stood with two horses. He had his steel sword on his back and his equipment over his own horse that he had presumably brought from somewhere as well as buying my gear and strapping it to a riding horse that I had given him the money to buy for me.

When the time came to leave, I found that I just didn't want to go into town at all. I wanted privacy and secrecy.

I stared down at him as he was still quite a way down the path, standing still. He looked frustrated, maybe a little bored. He saw that I had finally noticed him and raised an arm to point. I followed his gesture to a small group of bushes that wasn't that far away from me.

At first I didn't see it. I even looked back at Kerrass to see if I had missed something before, rather impatiently, he gestured again.

Then I saw it. The bush was moving against the wind. Only slightly but with enough force that I could track it.

There was someone in the bushes moving back and forth.

I hung my head as a wave of shame engulfed me.

“You can come out.” I called over.

The movement in the bush stopped abruptly.

I sighed and felt a smile begin to threaten my mouth.

“Please?” I asked.

Slowly, Ariadne's face came into view, peering through and round the undergrowth. I was again reminded of small, wild animals checking round corners to see if it was safe. When she saw that I had seen her she straightened out of view before walking out into the open.

Her hands were visibly trembling.

I didn't know what to do.

“I....” she began. “I would like to talk to you. If...you know....if that's ok.”

“Of course it's ok. Do you want to come a bit closer?”

She shook her head sharply.

“What's wrong?” I asked her taking a step towards her. My arms were aching and I realised that I was fighting the urge to hug her. Then I wondered why I was fighting the urge. I took another step forward and she held up a hand to stop me.

“Please don't.” She pleaded. “Please.” She was trembling so hard her teeth were actively chattering. I came here to apologise.”

I must have laughed in astonishment. If I could have chosen the absolute worst thing that I could have done, it was that one. She recoiled as if I had slapped her.

“I'm sorry,” she said. Looking at her feet. “I'm so sorry.”

“Sorry? What are you sorry for? I should be the one apologising to you. Fucking hell, I should be on my knees begging for you not to hate me,” I told her although I don't think she believed me. “I was about to run off to see if I could find the people that took Frannie from us. I want to say something like....”I wanted to protect you,” or something despite how blatantly ridiculous that is,”

I risked another step towards her. “Ariadne what do you have to be sorry for.”

“I wasn't with you.” She said in a small voice. “I didn't think, I should have been there with you, I didn't help you through this and then when you just left I thought....I thought I had done it wrong.”

“Done what wrong.”

“Being your betrothed. Your fiancée. I should have sat with you and...and...been with you and been there to comfort you and.... But I thought that that was useless. I thought that, you already had so many friends and family around you that I would be superfluous and unwanted. I thought I could do much more for you by concentrating on finding the people that did this.”

She took a deep breath and the trembling visibly stopped. She clasped her hands before her. She was wearing the flowing black robe, formless and shifting that she had worn when we first met her although now I could tell that there was a woman under there and that the cloth was a lot more real. I saw past her that her staff was propped against a tree.

“I came to tell you that I have made a decision.” She told me, her voice was calmer and more still. I wondered if she had put up an illusion or if her sudden calmness was because she had come to the rehearsed part of the speech.

“I have talked with Maleficent.” She said. “and we have agreed that there is a flavour to the magic that was used to take your sister that we recognise. It is very old Frederick. Very very old and... your language doesn't have the word for it. Calling it evil would be wrong...It is....wrong. The elves would call it...llygredig anghywir which is still not quite right but it's closer.”

My mouth moved as I worked out the words. “Corrupt.” I said, “I think. I haven't heard the term before.”

“No, no-one has. As I say, it's the closest I can get to. Maleficent and I both agree that such magic cannot be allowed to become prevalent again. My people, and hers worked hard to destroy it. Long before I was born, or she was, but we need to work to prevent these things from being learned again.”

She took another breath.

“So I have decided that I am going to take Lady Yennefer and Lady Eilhart up on their invitation to join the Lodge of Sorceresses. Maleficent has also joined under the understanding that the ladies will work to help preserve the draconic race as much as possible. They think I have done this because I want to help them find this...”

her mouth twisted suddenly into a crooked smile. My heart ached.

“...this new form of old magic but that's not quite true.”

She took another breath. “The real reason is that I want to help you find your sister. Find out what happened to her. I owe you that much.”

She almost sobbed that last.

“I'm so sorry Lord Frederick. So very sorry. I...I should have been there for you.”

She took another breath.

“I will understand if you want to call of our engagement....”

Please believe me when I say that somewhere, inside my skull, I was screaming at myself.

“... or.... or if you want to delay our wedding until this matter is resolved. No matter how long that might be.”

She took off the engagement ring and held it out to me.

I was frozen to the spot. I could hear an odd rushing in my ears and I nearly staggered.

She lowered her gaze. “I see,” She said and placed the ring on the floor. “I'll leave it there. It was very beautiful.”

She turned away and moved towards our staff.

I stood there for what felt like centuries. I have no excuse but it was though there was a pressure on my skull and the trees were pushing in around me. I felt as though I was falling.

I could hear the voice in the back of my head screaming at me. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING. SEIZE THE MOMENT. SEIZE THE WOMAN OR LOSE HER FOREVER, FOOL.”

“Wait,” I heard myself say. Far too quietly. “Wait,” I said again and stepped forwards, scooping up the ring as I came. There was a bit of mud on it from where she had put it on the ground and I brushed some water off the leaves to clean it before I caught hold of her. “Please wait.”

She had turned back. The look of haunted, hunted terror was back in her eyes.

“Don't go.” I said. “Please.” I fell to my knees and I realised that I was weeping. “I'm sorry. You don't have to be sorry. I'm the one who has to be sorry. I let you down, please don't go.” I was babbling and I knew it. “I can't lose you. Not now. Not ever, please don't go.”

Tears obscured my vision before darkness blotted out the light as her arms and her dress came down and wrapped me up in an embrace. “I'm sorry.” I babbled. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have neglected you. I've been so wrapped up in...Please, I can't lose you. Please don't leave.”

“I thought you wanted me to...”

“Never. Never. Never.”

“Oh, I'm so sorry, please don't cry.”

I laughed then.

“We're...” I managed between giggles. “We're going to have to get better at this “talking to each other” thing aren't we.”

She was kneeling in the mud with me. She was trembling again, violently.

“Yes,” she said through chattering teeth. “I suppose we must.”

“Just for the record.” I said. “I love you. I don't want you to go away. I should have talked to you. I should have but I've been too locked up in my own head to come and find you.”

“I thought you were angry with me.”

“I wasn't. I was just...not thinking. I am so, so sorry and I promise that I will work on that.”

“Right,” she nodded but she still looked miserable. I wondered if vampires weep but now didn't seem the right time to ask.

“But I've been doing a bit of rational thinking up here today.” I said. I had as it turned out, much to my surprise. “And I need to come to terms with an uncomfortable fact. That fact is that Francesca is gone and she is probably never coming back. That's if she is even alive which I am coming to doubt.”

A small sob escaped my throat at that and it took me a while to get my voice back under control enough to speak.

“I'm going to look for her now. The Lodge and the Imperials are doing the same.”

“I'll come with you.” She began.

“No, you are right. If this is old magic and an older threat then you need to help the Lodge understand it. You will do more good there.

“But.” I reached down and took hold of her hands and shut my eyes. I realised that we were resting our foreheads against each other. “I also have to come to terms with the very real possibility that we might never find her. Or the people that did this. It might just be something simple or it might be nothing at all. I don't want to wait that long.”

I managed to get hold of her left hand and slipped the ring back onto her hand.

“I want to marry you. I love you. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't know that I wanted to marry you. I want to get over my fear. I want to see you laugh and I want... Flame but I want so many things.”

It was her turn to sob.

“So.” I said, sniffing through the tears. “I want you to get together with Emma, and the Empress seems to want to get involved now but get together with them all and I want you to set a date. Give me a year. Two years at most. I like the idea of an autumn wedding so that we can have a cosy winter somewhere, getting to know each other properly.”

“So not this autumn coming but the autumn after that?”

“That sounds right. Is that ok?”

She nodded. She looked confused, caught between joy, shock, terror and astonishment.

“Good. I love you Ariadne.”

“I love you too Freddie.”

I took a deep breath. “May I kiss you?”

“What?” Now she definitely looked shocked and brushed some damp hair from her face. “Now? But I look a mess.”

“Not a mess, beautiful.” I stroked some of the water from her cheek.

She nodded again. Still looking a little bewildered. I took another deep breath and leant in before the fear could come back and I changed my mind.

It was...special. I'll say no more than that.

It left us both trembling a little bit when we were done despite it being remarkably chaste really.

“I....I'd better go.” She said after a while. “Kerrass has been very patient waiting for us.”

“He has, hasn't he.”

We giggled together like children. A nine-hundred year old vampire and a professor of the university of Oxenfurt.

We rose. She brushed ineffectually at the mud patches on a dress before scowling at them until they vanished, presumably out of embarrassment. She took up her staff and turned back to me.

“I love you Lord Frederick.” She said it with a strange kind of amazement on her face as though she was astonished that the words were coming out of her own mouth.

“I love you too.”

She turned away and walked off, her form dissolving into smoke as she went. Dissipating in the wind and the rain.

I don't know how long I stood there.

“Well done Freddie.” Kerrass said.

I jumped and he sniggered.

“I don't mind you sneaking up on me Kerrass but how did you manage to get the horses to move that quietly.”

“Trade secret. You ready to go?”

“I don't know. Is there anyone else that you told where I was?”

“No.”

“Then I think we're ready to go.”

“Good.” He swung himself into his saddle. And held the other horses reins while I got into mine.

“Kerrass, before we go.”

“Yes Freddie.”

“I want you to know something.” I said staring up into the sky.

“I know Freddie, I know.”

“No, this time I don't think you do.”

“Oh?”

“I'm engaged to be married now.”

“Yes you are and I already knew that.”

“I want you to be my best man. I don't think I've talked to you about it yet.”

He spluttered and stared at me in proper stunned shock. “But Mark....and Sam. You have brothers.”

I grinned at him. “Oh they'll be there. But on my wedding day, there's no-one I'd rather have standing at my side than you.” I held my hand out.

Kerrass stared at it for a moment before taking it and shaking my hand firmly. “Thank you Freddie. Thank you.”

We rode in silence for the rest of the day, riding north. I suppose we both had things to think about. We slept in one of the inns on the outskirts of the Duchy, it being far too late in the day to make it to the border. We were just finishing dinner when Kerrass laughed suddenly.

“You know what this means?” He said slyly.

“What?”

“I get to plan your stag night.”

I paused for thought.

“I didn't really think this through did I.”