Chapter 73: I want to give you pleasure

“I understand that you're angry,” Ariadne told me calmly.

“Do you?” I snarled. “Do you understand? You stand there looking at me with your perfect, flawless face and your perfectly calm eyes and I wonder. Do you really know? Do you really understand? Because if you did, would we even be here yelling at each other?” I have no excuse for talking to her like this.

“To be fair, you are the one that's yelling.”

“THAT'S NOT THE POINT.” I yelled. The irony is not lost on me

Ariadne turned away from me.

“Excuse me madam but is everything alright?” A passing knight Errant politely asked Ariadne.

“Everything is fine Sir knight. Thank you for your concern.” She told him calmly.

He looked at me dubiously but being unable to find any reason to pick an immediate fight about with me, he moved on, although I could tell that he had resolved to himself that he would check on us again in the near future.

“As I said,” Ariadne went on calmly and precisely. “I understand your anger.”

We were walking through the legendarily beautiful water gardens of Toussaint. Elven in manufacture, I went to see them later under less emotionally trying times and they really are quite lovely. Long troughs of constantly running water over stones with fountains and sudden hidden pools. All joined together with bushes and hedges of flowers that gave the place a heady aroma. Ariadne had brought me here, presumably in an effort that we might find a private area to “talk” away from prying eyes and ears. We were already the newest scandal to be discussed in the Imperial court and I suspect she wanted to have this all sorted out as quickly as possible. I don't think that either of us would have been able to stand it if we took the time to go any further.

She led us to a bench. We weren't hidden from view but it was as private as we were going to get considering that we were the best source of gossip that the court had ever come across.

“You promised me.” I hissed and I was shocked and appalled to hear tears in the back of my throat. The small and scared child that lives in the back of the minds of most adults if we're honest with ourselves, was in tears. That small child was hurt and lost and was feeling betrayed and it is the only explanation for my behaviour.

“You promised me,” I went on, “You said that you would wait until I was ready. We were going to talk about it before anything was going to be organised.”

I tried to sit but I couldn't and sprang to my feet again almost immediately and started to pace back and forth.

“Your sister agreed.” Ariadne said calmly. I know that I keep pointing out that she was speaking calmly but it was rather praying on my mind. “Your sister agreed to the betrothal.”

“Oh believe me, Sister dearest and I are going to have words when we are through here.”

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I was angry. More angry than I could remember being but I was also being petulant. The fact that I knew this was making me feel more angry. I was also hurt, embarrassed on an international scale before the nobles and courtiers of nations and so I felt betrayed. I had begun to enjoy my feelings of independence from societies mores and the fact that both my sister and Ariadne had both agreed to consult my feelings before moving ahead with a betrothal had given me a feeling of security that had been torn away from me. Torn away on the most public stage imaginable.

“I understand that you are angry,” Ariadne said for the third time. “But you owe me the chance to explain myself and my actions. You owe me that Frederick don't you?”

She was staring at me with a focus that was off-putting.

There are a number of lessons that my father taught me. Some of those lessons were lessons that I only realised long after the fact. Some lessons I don't even think he had intended to pass on. Some, certainly, I learned from how frustrated I used to get when he broke these rules and I decided that I would never do the same. One of those lessons was that it's always best to listen to the other person's point of view rather than running roughshod over them.

I looked away from her. The fact that her pale skin seemed to shine in the sunlight that was also reflected in her eyes was causing me some trouble. I wanted to be angry and I wanted to stay angry because that meant that I wouldn't have to confront the pain that I was feeling.

“Please sit down and don't speak until I'm finished. I have a lot to say and I need to get to the end of it.” She said, carefully and clearly, presumably so that I wouldn't misunderstand. I did so on my second attempt. I needed to breathe in and out a few times first.

The day was not going well for me.

I had stood on the dais before the Empress who was having difficulty staying on the throne with the fit of the giggles that my revelation had given her. Lord Voorhis had moved in front of her in an effort to preserve the dignity of the Empress but I don't think he was entirely successful as he was also struggling to contain a fit of mirth.

Emma looked horrified. Mouth hanging open and deathly pale.

Francesca looked as though she couldn't decide between laughter, sympathy or horror. Laurelen was watching Emma with concern. Thanks for reading on ManaNovel!

Only the Duchess of Toussaint was able to contain whatever emotion she was feeling. I didn't get the chance to meet the Duchess under less formal circumstances but I imagine she was thinking something like “What kind of fools are these northern Lords?”

I stared at Ariadne for a long moment, trying desperately to collect my thoughts. In the end I grasped at a lifeline that was just in my eyeline. The box containing my gift for the Empress. My conscious brain turned itself off and just let my training get on with it.

“You Imperial Majesty,” I said bowing again. “I apologise for this intrusion of my private affairs into your day.”

I don't know but I think I saw a flash of approval from both Lord Voorhis and the Duchess. The Empress clearly didn't trust herself to speak and waved off the apology with a smile.

“In an effort to preserve what remains of my fragile and tattered dignity, perhaps now would be an appropriate time to present you with this small token of my personal esteem towards your august majesty On this occasion of your coronation.”

A squire lifted up the box to the dais.

“What is it?” The Empress took another sip from her cup and handed it to a waiting servant.

“I would invite you to open it to find out Your Majesty but I feel it only prudent to warn you that the box contains a weapon.”

I saw a small flash of disappointment cross the Empresses face to be replaced by curiosity. Lord Voorhis was watching me carefully, as well he might anyone who brought a weapon in the presence of his Empress.

“The box is a little odd to be shaped for a sword.” She said, her curiosity piqued despite herself.

“Yes,” I said carefully. I could sense the gossip about what had happened about my betrothal crashing like a wave across the hall. “I fancied that your Majesty would have had her fill of swords by now, both of the personal kind and also of the ceremonial kind.”

I should explain this joke. One of the symbols of the Imperial throne was a sword and that weapon would be presented to her when she was crowned. I had seen pictures of it and it's huge, easily twice as big as the Empress herself.

The Empress' lips twitched again. She looked at Lord Voorhis who moved past me and peeked inside the lid, presumably to ensure that it wasn't trapped or anything. I thought I saw just a flash of his approval before he turned and lifted the box for the Empress to open it.

“My understanding was that my sister and therefore my family had presented you with a breeding pair of our finest hunting birds.” I said, “and I thought you might appreciate something to help you in your hunts.”

She opened the lid and I am proud to say that she gasped in delight. The dwarven smith, as I had predicted, had done me proud.

What the box contained was a miniature hand crossbow. It was only small, designed for a one-handed draw, aim and fire.

“It's so light.” The Empress commented, before another slyly amused expression crossed her face. “And I notice that it fits my hand perfectly.”

“So I should hope Your Imperial Majesty.”

“I wonder how you managed to get the dimensions of my hand Lord Frederick?”

“I guessed Your majesty.”

“Did you indeed. I shall have to ferret out your source.”

Francesca's face went carefully blank.

“Might I enquire what you intend to do to my source Your Majesty?” I asked innocently.

“Oh, something unpleasant involving laundry.” Said the Empress. She was trying to pull back the strings on the bow.

“May I demonstrate Majesty?”

“Please?” She offered me the crossbow which was swiftly snatched out of her hand by Lord Voorhis. He smiled a gently apology to me before inspecting the crossbow to make sure it was unloaded before handing it over.

“Apologies Lord Frederick,” he said calmly.

I nodded, “I understand Lord Voorhis. The bolts are also in the box along with the weapons holsters.”

He nodded before having a look in the box.

“The bow is designed so that you can fire two bolts your majesty,” I showed her the grooves where the bolts should lie. “You draw back both strings or one at a time using these levers, and the bolts can be fired individually or separately as the user wishes.”

The Empress took it back and examined the workings of the bow before sighting down it. “Stopping power?” she asked.

“Alas the bow was only delivered to me earlier today and I haven't had the opportunity to test it thoroughly other than to make sure that it works and is accurate. The manufacturer promises me that it could punch through chain mail at twenty feet although it would struggle with plate steel.”

She raised her eyebrows at that. “That's still pretty good.”

“I'm glad that your Majesty thinks so. The bolts are also designed for piercing rather than for barbs and the box contains ten steel bolts and ten silver bolts.”

“Really?” The Empresses eyes rose in what I hoped was pleasure as well as amusement. “Whatever made you think that that would be important to me.”

“I couldn't say Majesty.”

“Those Sources again?”

“Almost certainly.”

Francesca's face was still carefully blank.

“But the bow has one other feature.” I went on.

“Which is?”

“That it folds down for convenience and can be drawn, again, if I may demonstrate?”

She nodded, Even Lord Voorhis seemed interested.

From the box I took the holster.

“The holster can be attached anywhere to some kind of loop or belting, the bow can then have the arms folded down like so,” I demonstrated, “This can also be done while loaded,” The Empress nodded. “Then the bow sits in the holster like that. Then the Empress can draw it?” I offered the holster and the Empress did so,

“I draw the Empresses attention to the switch just down from the thumb. If you flick that switch the bow will pop open into a locked and ready to fire position.”

She did so and the dwarven engineering shone.

“The bow would now be ready to fire.” I said in triumph.

My opinion of Lord Voorhis had already begun to change. But it improved again as he clapped me on the shoulder.

“How was this accomplished?” he asked.

I shrugged at him. “Beats me.” I said. “The dwarven smith knows a gnome who came up with the design. I'm told it's for emergency use. Long term use of the drawing device will wear that mechanism out and there is a delay between drawing and it being ready to fire. But I can provide the address of my manufacturer.”

“Expensive to produce?” he asked.

“Very,”

He winced in disappointment. “Still, it suits as a last line of defence for the Empress” he muttered to me. “Grateful to you Lord Frederick.” I nodded back at him.

The Empress set the bow back in it's box before turning back to me.

“I think we've kept you long enough Lord Frederick. I am truly grateful for the gift and I look forward to testing it out. Perhaps you and your family might do me the honour of joining me for a hunt if the circumstances permit, given the overall tone of your gifts?”

She smiled to show that she was pleased but I could tell that she was back to putting on the deliberate front again. It was also a dismissal

I deferred to Emma who muttered something along the lines of “Of course we would be honoured Your Majesty.”

“In which case, I look forward to hearing about the resolution of the other matter Lord Frederick.”

“Yes Your Majesty.” I said

“Thank you your Majesty.” Emma added already deepening into a curtsy.

We bowed and backed away. As I straightened I saw the Empress and Lord Voorhis had their heads together and were talking animatedly.

“Well done Freddie,” Emma commented.

My situation rushed back in as I began to see people looking at me and tittering. Whether they were or not is beyond me but I could feel myself becoming a laughing stock.

I looked around the room, I heard Emma saying my name but I wasn't really listening. I was aware of it, in the same way that you're aware that someone has just walked into the room.

There she was, standing next to the Princess Dorn who was looking worried.

Ariadne looked calm, placid and peaceful. She looked unashamed.

I stalked up to her.

I remember thinking that it was desperately unfair that I was about to have a fight with an ancient elder vampire while at the same time she could stand there and look so damn beautiful.

I remember wondering how smooth her skin would be if she would let me touch it.

“Shall we go somewhere a little more private to talk Lord Frederick?” She asked.

I took a deep breath.

“I think we better, Madame Comtesse.”

She led me into the garden and I sat on the bench.

After her earlier instructions about not saying anything until she had finished, she walked a little distance away. I could see from the way her dress hung against her that she wasn't wearing any corsetry. That she didn't need to wear any corsetry.

My old friend, the one whose father worked in the Redanian Diplomatic corps, was right. It's really hard to stay angry at someone when you're sitting down. Let alone when they are as beautiful as Ariadne is.

“Here it is.” She said, turning back to me and standing still, hands by her side and looking down at me. “Yes I promised that I would wait until you were ready for us to become properly betrothed and you should know that I absolutely meant it at the time. I am truly sorry that you are hurt, I am,” she held up a finger to forestall me as I had opened my mouth to speak. “Let me finish.”

I subsided and she clasped her hands together in front of her.

“I am sorry that I hurt you and I am sorry that I embarrassed you. That was not my intention. If everything had gone to plan I would have had the chance to talk to you before you would have found out from another source which would have saved you the embarrassment. But circumstances and time have shattered the plans of man and vampire before and I have no doubt that it will again.

“When we last spoke in person it was during the aftermath of the incident where you and Kerrass woke the Princess Dorn. I remember you standing in the firelight as her people celebrated her waking up and her return to the land of the living. I saw her being overwhelmed with that joy and I saw you, in the dark off to one side. You looked so sad and forlorn that I longed to comfort you in some way but I knew that you might not accept comfort from me. So I found Marion. I could smell her on you and you on her.

“She was terrified and absolutely beside herself but I suggested that her duties as “companion” were not yet complete and that you were in need of care.

“She agreed and then the two of you went off into the night.

“My heart ached as you did so and I hated Marion then, for how easy she found it to put you at your ease. I absolutely expected the two of you to go off somewhere and love each other.

“But then you didn't. You came back. I saw you caring for others and looking after her. I realised something then.

“I have read all of your works and your travel journals many many times. So much so that I can recite parts of them from memory. You talk of my beauty, you talk of my intelligence and how I make you laugh. These are good and wonderful things that lift my heart but then you always speak of how I terrify you. How...scared of me you are.

“Again, I am not judging you for this. I understand where that fear comes from. Soul deep instinct and learned prejudice are hard to overcome and the fact that you are even willing to try is one of the reasons that I.... That I think so highly of you.

“But never once. Not once. Not you or anyone else connected to you have thought about how terrified I might be of you,”

I felt my mouth open in shock and closed it again with a snap.

“I am an elder vampire.” She said. “I experience things differently to humanity. We all do. We are long lived, even more so, in theory, than the elves are although no-one has really had the opportunity to test that in laboratory conditions. But that long life comes at a cost. That cost being a sort of.... a plodding and slow kind of nature. We have the time to think. To consider things and to take our time. My mother once told me that her courtship with my father lasted for centuries and that that was not unusual for our people.

“Just a courtship. A courtship to last centuries. I'm told that humans do the same thing in a year. Eighteen months at the outside. That is barely a heartbeat to my people.

“I know why of course and that is due to the fact that you simply do not have the time to.... heh.... to mess around.

“You are people of passions, of speed and....and....a depth of feeling that is overwhelming to us. But to say that we are emotionless is inaccurate. It's just that in comparison to humanity we have the time to take our emotions away and examine them in detail and to try and figure out how we feel about that.

“But with you? I don't have that luxury.

“Every day that passes, every hour, every heart beat that we are not together terrifies me. It terrifies me because I know that we have so little time to share. So little....life to live.

“There is a depth and a...a speed to that feeling that is terrifying to me. It's fascinating and exhilarating, but terrifying.

“One of the other things that you have said, many times, is that you can't tell what I'm thinking. That I appear cold or that you cannot tell whether I am wearing an illusion or some kind of a mask. Well I will answer that question for you although I cannot prove it.

“I am wearing a mask. I have to. Because otherwise the full scale of this feeling, this....emotion that I feel towards you and about you, whether I am with you or not, is such that if I do not hide it from myself let alone hiding it from anyone else, I am afraid that I would scare you away.”

She said all of this quite precisely and directly. As she said it I looked, I searched her eyes, her posture, everything for any sign of emotion but I couldn't see it.

“This is a reflex. I cannot help it. I scare myself with the depth of my emotion. So I feel as though the easiest thing is that I should just tell you.

“What do I feel?

“I don't know. Is it love as humans understand it? I do not know. I am not human after all. All I can say is that you...

“You fascinate me. Your way of thinking. Your way of speaking and your ability to make intuitive leaps is like nothing that I've ever experienced.

“You make me laugh. A spontaneous display of emotion in a vampire is rare. Again, I have no way of proving this to you. You would find Vampire parties incredibly dull.

“You draw me to you, I... I miss you when you are not around. I look for you when you are nearby. The room seems brighter when you enter it and darker when you leave.

“I spend my days thinking of things that I must remember to say to you or finding things that I must show you. I want to hold you in my arms when you are afraid and promise you that you are safe and that nothing will ever harm you while I breathe the air. I want to come home to you after a hard day of dealing with hate filled parasites that leech away time that I would rather be spending with you.

“I also want to give you pleasure. So much so that it's rather... unnerving.

“Is that love?

“I don't know the answer to that but I propose that if you are amenable to it that we should find out together.”

She held up her hand again to stop me from speaking.

“I'm not finished.”

Her hand was shaking. Just slightly. Almost imperceptibly. Just the slightest tremor but it was there. When I subsided her hand returned to where it was and I saw that she clasped her hands together in front of her. That she had been doing so for as long as this little speech had been going on.

“So I thought about the problem. How can I reassure you that you should not be afraid. Your lifestyle doesn't permit you to stop and you would resent my following you and Kerrass around all the time. But how can I overcome the obstacles that stand between us. I discussed it with the Duchess, and the Princess and both your sisters. I even mentioned it to the Empress once but I couldn't come up with a solution of how I could overcome your terror of me.”

Ariadne then proved herself the scientist that she is. She produced a well worn piece of paper that had been tucked into a pouch that was underneath her sash.

“I've thought about physical attraction. Humans perform the act of sexual congress for more than just the act of reproduction. These include, but are not limited to: kissing, penetration, cunnilingus and fellatio. I have examined the situation and I have discovered, much to my amusement and pleasure, that human pleasure centres, erogenous zones and reproductive organs are near enough to vampire ones to not cause comment. I am absolutely confident in my ability to give you physical pleasure and am fully capable should you desire to reciprocate.”

I should say that I felt myself flush at this but she was right. It was something that I had thought of.

“On the matter of reproduction should you desire for children?” she went on, seemingly not noticing my embarrassment. “I have devoted some time to the study of the matter. No matter what the stories might say, I cannot turn you into a vampire. We certainly would not be able to reproduce naturally, without some kind of scientific or magical help. However I have discussed the matter with Laurelen who has been taking some steps to see if she could come up with some way to reproduce with your sister and she has some theories that hold some merit and that are definitely worth pursuing. If that does not bear fruit then I'm sure that adoption would be just as feasible.

“I considered your life span and your physical health. I am a magic user and I can easily care for you enough to keep you young and healthy for as long as you wish. I understand that similar things in that regard have gone on for up to three hundred years with the only evidence of aging being that the human brain is possibly not equipped to deal with that much memory. I did briefly consider the age gap but as the age gap is already over 900 years and I dismissed that factor quickly. As for our appearance together. I am perfectly capable of ageing along with you without it affecting me so if you wish to grow old then we can do so together.

“Socially, I didn't think that your social status would suffer too much and if it did, I flatter you that you wouldn't care very much. I recently considered one of your potential fears that the reason that I was pursuing a marriage with you was to lend myself an air of respectibility. That marrying you would lend my presence in the nobility a certain weight of legitimacy and that this might be the only reason for my interest. This is not the case. If the Duke and Duchess had rejected me I would have come to you anyway. I was made interested in you in my room at the tower. I was then made more interested when you explained the political situation of the world to me. Then that meeting in the Duchess' gardens clinched the deal, at least from my perspective.

“Family wise, your sisters seem to approve of me without reservation. Your elder brother is dealing with his own crisis at the moment and no, before you ask me, you should speak to him yourself on that matter, and your younger brother doesn't seem to care that much. I'm told that your father blessed the union and that your mother went along with his wishes.

“On a feudal level, the Empress herself as well as the Duke have already agreed to the union. Bringing it up to them is part of my own feudal duties and I will not apologise for that. I might go so far as to say that the Duke and Duchess of Angraal think it's a wonderful idea.

“I already believe that we are intellectually well matched. Socially, our standing is much the same.

“So that leaves us with two potential problems.

“The first is my attraction to you or lack there of . And the second is your fear of me.”

She took a deep breath and stared off into the middle distance. I watched her hands. Her skin was already pale so it was hard to see but her knuckles were white.

“I discussed the problem of your fear with just about everyone. Including Kerrass and it wasn't until I discussed it with Marion that this solution presented itself. I know that you are scared of me Frederick and I know why. I can promise you that I will never harm you. I will never hurt you and indeed I would die to protect you if it came to it...”

The fact that she said so without emotion spoke some volumes to me and I found that it move me deeply. I was finding it harder to remain angry.

“...But I know that you find it hard to accept. I fear your body's involuntary rejection of my touch but I also know that the only way to over come this is that if I prove to you and to your body and instincts that I will never hurt you and that you have nothing to fear from me. I don't know how I can show you this so instead, on Marion's suggestion I should just continue as though I have already done so. “Pretend that everything is normal,” she said, “and soon it will be. Fear requires ignorance. As soon as we know about a thing we can define it and categorize it and is therefore no longer as terrifying.” But she suggested that on the matter of my overcoming your fear, that asking for your forgiveness for moving ahead with our betrothal is easier than asking permission. So I have done so.

“Finally. Am I attracted to you? I hope I have answered that already. But in case there is any ambiguity. I have seen stars born and stars die. I have seen untold savagery and great kindness. I have seen the sun set and the sun rise and blooms of flowers that shouldn't exist and none of all of that combined holds half of the beauty that I see when I look into your eyes.”

I felt like I had been struck with a hammer and it took me several minutes to realise that she had stopped talking. I must have looked away because I realised that I was looking at my feet.

I looked up at her and she was stood there, hands knotted together, staring at me.

I rose in something of a daze and moved aside, gesturing for her to sit.

She moved past me as she did so and I caught a scent of the perfume that was in her hair. I had to look away to order my thoughts.

The knight errant that had asked whether or not everything was alright earlier was still hovering about. I glared at him and he moved away.

“That's a lot to take in.” I said faintly. “Would it surprise you to learn that I've been thinking about you a great deal as well.”

I turned back to her. She was sat on the bench, hands clenched in her lap. Nothing else was betrayed in her face or in her posture.

I took a breath and plunged in.

“Here's the thing.” I said. I couldn't look at her. She was too beautiful and I was afraid that I would collapse and not be able to say what I needed to say.

“You terrify me madam?” Did she gasp? I couldn't tell. I didn't dare look at her. “But one of the things that has made me angrier and angrier over the time since we met is that people have never asked me why I am afraid. You are right. Who you are and what you are does scare me. I've tried really hard to get past that and I haven't managed it yet. You are the Spider Queen of Angraal. The title itself feels designed to frighten me. But that's not all of it. Yes you are an elder vampire but again, that's not all of it.

“You frighten me madam because....” Suddenly it was too much. There was a lump in my throat, I could hear the blood thumping in my veins and spots dancing in front of my eyes, “because you are more than I had ever dreamed....you are....more....Flame curse me for a fool. I'm a scholar and a writer and I can't force the words out.”

I turned away, I realised that I had almost shouted those last words. I knew that because that fucking knight Errant was on his way back towards us. “Is everything alright madame?” He asked us again.

“Everything is fine Sir knight.” She said quietly.

He left unhappily.

I risked a glance at her. Her posture hadn't changed but she looked. She looked like a wild animal, terrified and shaking. I wanted to reassure her, to hold her and tell her that it was going to be ok.

But I couldn't.

I turned away again and tried to find another way in to describe the way I was feeling.

“You have read my writing madame which means that you must have read regarding the Beast of Amber's crossing.” I stared at the water that was running through the rocks nearby. “That incident scarred me madame. I don't talk about it and I don't write about it because what is there to say? Kerrass and I strode into an ancient forest to face a being of primal terror. A thing of almost limitless power and although I've never talked about it with Kerrass I remain convinced that the only reason that we came out of that place alive is because we were amazingly lucky. I don't know if Kerrass was good and that he planned out the entire encounter, or if Kerrass was lucky and saw the solution to the situation in the heat of the moment. What I do know is that my life and soul was ripped from my body and put into a place of torment.

“That beast used me. In doing so he laid bear my most basic and innermost desires and fears. I wake up nights and I scream until I'm hoarse. There are days when I can still see it's face and feel the power that it had over me. It showed me things, horrible things. It showed me things about myself that I do not like and things that scare me. I always liked to think of myself as a good man and what it showed me is that that is not baked into me. It is not a matter of nature. This was confirmed for me with what happened to Edmund my brother. Even now his name is being deleted from my family history. He was a Patricide and more monstrous than many of the things that I have seen Kerrass hunt. But I looked at him and I looked at the sculpture of him that rests in my families crypt and I don't see the man as he was but I see what he might have been. I see what I might have been and fear that I might still be.

People tell me that I am nothing like Edmund. People tell me that I am a good person but I wonder.... I wonder and I know, I know that this doubt was put into my mind by the beast of Amber's crossing. It still has that power over me and I wonder if I will ever be free of it. I suspect not.”

I risked another glance at her. She was still sat, only her dress moving in the breeze. She didn't look as afraid but she was listening. I looked away again.

“This is going to sound like it's unrelated but it's not. I wasn't as religious as I am now. I was religious but only so much as I kind of enjoyed being in my family chapel, knew all the words to the songs and understood how the scriptures worked. But the rest of it. I'm more religious now than I ever was before Amber's crossing.

“I look at the person I was then and I laugh at my own naivete. The beast showed me that there were powers in the universe more powerful than something that can be hit with Kerrass' sword or skewered with my spear. And I know that I need to protect myself from those things. The Holy Fire seemed like the best way to do it.

“Some day I honestly believe that I will have to account for myself and that I will be judged as to whether or not I am a good person. I recently qualified as a Proffessor of Oxenfurt and I could have done so much sooner but I followed Kerrass around in an effort to prove to myself, to him and to the world that I was a good person. There are the monsters that I have helped destroy, these are the people that I have helped to save so that when I die and I stand before the flame that I will be found worthy.

“The Church is clear on you madame. I know that it's wrong and I know that the scriptures were written and interpreted by men. I know that you are just another creature and that you don't represent true darkness or true evil. I know that but I know that in my mind.” I tapped myself on the side of my head. “But not in my heart. I am afraid. I am scared down into the depths of my soul. Not of you but of what you represent.

“I wrote about some of the things it showed me, that beast of Amber's crossing. But not all of them. It showed me things of a dark, twisted and perverted sexual nature and they excited me. I know that those things are not to my taste. I know them,”