Chapter 142: The Eternal Flame and The Sky-father Kreve will help us? (3)

“I do read your works, I do and I notice how much you underplay your own combat skills. You count yourself down because you cannot beat me in a straight fight. I've told you this before as well but perhaps you have forgotten. There are maybe half a dozen fighters on the continent that could be confident of beating me in a straight fight if all other factors are equal. Most of those are Witchers. Geralt, Eskel and the Empress amongst them which is why I take every opportunity to train with them when I get the chance. There are maybe a score of others where it could go either way.

“Before you think I'm being arrogant, there are always ways that a man can fall, he can be overwhelmed by numbers, be under prepared or taken off guard. He can be sick, tired or not looking in the right direction. All of these things are true and anyone of them could end me which is why I do my best not to get overconfident. There are also ways to supernaturally increase a persons speed and skill which could end me if I have not taken them into account. A Witcher's potions for example.

“I tell you this so that you do not give yourself a negative view because you feel outclassed by me.

“You are not a fencer or a stage fighter or a....a practice ground fighter. These are the times that you hold yourself back because you are always thinking. You are always working the angle but in a fight...in a real fight? then you are deadly. When the fear and, yes, the rage are upon you which means that you either stop thinking about it, you skip the part of your brain that makes you over think and you just act which is when you become deadly.”

He stared into the fire for a moment or two before scratching his chin.

“Do you remember back at Castle Kalayn when we were all training and Sir Rickard got cross because he was outclassed by everyone else there with a sword. You two didn't face each other because I engineered it that way as neither of you needed that at that moment. But you asked about it and I told you that he would be a much more fearsome opponent on the battlefield.”

“I remember.”

“Then let me say this. If Kristoff, Danzig or...or even Sam who is a better fencer on the practice field than Rickard, took offence at Rickard's attitude and called him out for a duel. Then Rickard would kick their ass. The only one who would give him pause is your brother who is younger than either of the other men and has the benefit of the finest weaponmasters that money could buy. Rickard would eat them alive if his life was on the line and that's the difference. Rickard would no longer be fencing, he would be fighting and he learned his fighting in the gutters of Vizima.

“You are the same as he. I didn't teach you how to fence with your spear, I taught you to fight. I taught you to kill and if your life was on the line then I'm pretty sure that you could take Sir Kristoff, Danzig would be at a disadvantage and only Sam would be able to face you.”

I was appalled at this assessment but Kerrass was relentless.

“The problem, or rather the benefit for killers like us, is that you hold back on the practice yard. It's even more perfect because you don't know that you're doing it which is why people aren't as wary around you and challenging you on the practice yard.

“Don't get me wrong. You are not so advanced that you can walk around and expect to take on all comers. You will never beat someone like Sir Rickard who is a lot like you in this respect except that he was fighting for his survival since the day that he was born.

“The perfect fighter has three things. The first is a talent for combat, a talent for violence. They can pick up any weapon and be reasonably skilled with it in a short while. But this is by far the least important quality of the perfect fighter as it promotes overconfidence and as a quality, it perishes with age. Sooner or later, it can be defeated by the man that knows the counters to your favourite move if you depend on the talent for violence. Or the person that is clever enough to avoid your blows which leads me on to the second thing.

“The second thing is that they have the right kind of mind for it. Weaponscraft is an easy thing to learn, for example, the pointy end goes in the other man, but try that against a master and you would struggle. That's where the thing about people saying that high level fights are a contest of mind and will rather than skill comes from.

“The last thing is that they have a thirst for it. Not a thirst for violence but a desire to be better. A desire to train and learn how to use these weapons.

“After everything else, the rest of it is experience.

This work is hosted on mananovel.com

“What you have.” He jabbed a finger at me. “Is the second and third parts of that. Most people have one or two parts of it. You have the analytical mind for it. For example, when you fought that knight in the throne-room of Angral, you saw the gap in the man's guard and armour and simply stabbed forward. You even wrote it yourself when you fought your cousin in the woods near Oxenfurt, you wrote “That you were already planning his death,” until we diverted you from that plan. You have the brain.

“You also have the thirst. That thirst is that you have needed those skills to survive. It wasn't natural to you and we had to instil that....that need into your character. But you have it now. You are the one that reminds me to train and you're always hunting out new people to train against and to learn new tricks with your spear. You stood up to Letho until you properly understood what he was teaching you. How many people would have had the balls to do that? Not many.”

He shook his head.

“Your brother has all three of those things although, by his own admission, he is losing his desire to learn. He resents the constant need to train. I will tell you what I told him. If he stops training to better himself as he desires then he will start to see an erosion of his skill in about a year, eighteen months at most.

“Rickard has all three. Kristoff has the first only and depends on his armour and his experience to carry the day. Danzig has the first two but his mind is often on other things.”

He shook his head, as though dislodging a thought from his brain.

“But I'm going off on one.

“You have the last two, but after those three things. It comes down to experience and you already have more experience of fighting than most people.”

“Oh come on Kerrass. There have been three wars in living memory.”

“Yes, but those weren't fights. Those were battles where it's often decided in the deployment, the training, the equipment and the morale of the thing. I'm talking about fighting. Down, in the dirt, fighting for survival.” Thanks for reading on ManaNovel!

He sighed.

“And I gave you that. I made you do that.

“Now you have an extra option when you are confronted with a....heh....when you're confronted with a confrontation.” He started counting off his fingers. “You used to have, tell a joke to diffuse the situation, make a reasoned argument to sway the other person to your point of view, leave the site of the confrontation, admit defeat.” His hand lowered. “But now you have a fifth which is to begin violence. This is made worse by the fact that in travelling with me you have seen, over and over again that violence gets the best results and is, often, the best choice.

“So now, you default to violence as your first response. You get angry, you're in a confrontation, and then....violence.

“I did that to you and for that I am eternally sorry. I am so sorry.”

I had nothing to say to that. What does one say?”

“You remember when we were coming out of Toussaint?” he asked. “That conversation that we had on the tower when I explained why I was so angry at you. I told you that you were responsible for the best part of me. You had taught me that we needed to help people. Well, as it turns out, I, in turn, am responsible for the worst part of you. I have taught you to be violent. But you would not have survived without it.”

I had nothing to say to that either.

“But what I can say,” he said after a while. “Is that I recognise the rest of what you're going through.”

“Oh?” I felt the first flutterings of hope, somewhere deep in my chest.

“Yes. I once told you about the trial of Death?”

I struggled to remember for a moment before it came to me.

“We were in a brothel when you told me about that.”

“Yes, and I was drunk and you were in a sexual daze. On balance, I probably shouldn't have told you about it as it really is one of the Witcher's secrets that we don't talk to other people about. But still..... You are going through your own version of the trial of death.”

“You said that it was something that only Witchers go through.”

“Which is correct. I'm not telling you that you are a Witcher, far from it. I think it's more likely that this has come about because of the accident of your circumstances.”

He grinned at my confusion. To my credit, I was tired and grumpy. “Don't worry,” he told me, “I will explain.

“You have surrounded yourself with death. When you first joined me on the path, that death was the means to an end. You were using the death and the hunts to gain knowledge which you then published. It was a means to an end and you could leave the journey at any time that you wanted to.

“But now?

“You are surrounded by death and it is now the point of the exercise rather than being the means to an end. Your desired end, at the moment, is to find your sister or the people that took her. That end will also be violent, or more precisely, you intend it to be violent and result in the death of your enemies. The pursuit of the knowledge is no longer the desired goal but is now a by-product of what you are doing.

“So you are going for death. You have become deadly, your friends are equally, if not more, deadly. You leave death behind you and in front of you there is only death. And by your own admission, you cannot leave this path. The desire to find out what happened to your sister is your stick that drives you and your carrot that draws you on and you cannot ignore it.

“All around you there is death and you are becoming fascinated with it. But you are also human and do not have the benefit...heh...or curse of Witcher training which means that this is all coming to a head sooner than you are strictly comfortable with as you don't have the defences against it.

“You are becoming addicted to the adrenaline of combat. You glory in being deadlier than your opponent. This is all signs of the Trial of Death. Before long you will start to become fascinated by your own death. When it will come, how it will come and what will that lead to. Have you started imagining what your funeral will look like yet?”

I said nothing.

“As I thought.” Kerrass said softly. “You are beginning your dance with death which ends in deaths final embrace.”

“You make it sound so hopeful.” I tried for a joke.

“Don't cheapen this Freddie.” He almost snapped.

“I thought you said that only Witchers go through this.”

“In most cases that would be true, and when I told you about the trial of death, I thought it was true, but what you describe is so close to the things that I was feeling when I went through the trial of death that it may as well be the thing. The reason that I thought that only Witchers can go through the trial of death is that, at the end of the day, everyone else can lead the paths that they are on.

“But now you can't. Can you?”

It was not a question so much as a statement but I thought I detected that he was hoping that I could answer in the positive.

I thought about it for a moment. Moving the idea around in my head. The trial of Death. I remember being appalled at what Kerrass was talking about. Appalled at the prospect that he described, that a person would have to go through that.

Was he right?

Some of the things that he had talked about were far closer to the bone than I had previously thought possible. I was becoming addicted to that feeling that occurs in combat. That moment where the fear melts away and it's between me and the person that I'm facing. The impact of weapon on weapon and that glorious exultation when I realise that I would live for another day.

That I would live to fight another day.

I was living for the fight now. Kerrass was right. I was living, to find the people that had taken Francesca from us and to slay them. I was familiar with the philosophical danger of that though which was the question of what would happen if I didn't find Francesca, or what would happen if I did find Francesca. Would I be satisfied with that or would I look for the next fight and the next fight?

I could see the slippery slope stretch out ahead of me and I wondered if it was already too late for me. Then I thought about Ariadne and wondered if she would still love me despite all that. I had time enough to register that thought before I felt panic flutter in my chest and the first tendrils of fear beginning to claw at my throat. I didn't want to die like that. I wanted to live. I wanted to marry Ariadne and live with her. I wanted to watch the sunrise with her and make love to her and with her. I wanted to see if it was true what she said about her “erogenous zones being similar enough to humanities to give and receive pleasure.” I was looking forward to that. I wanted to see what sounds she would make when she lost control. If I could make her lose control.

But I couldn't do that if I went down this path. Would she even love me if I was as self-destructive as all of that.

But I couldn't leave the path that I had set for myself. I had tried this before. I had tried thinking about turning aside from my mission and returning home and the very thought had made me physically ill.

“What did you say?” Kerrass asked me.

“What?”

“You said something.”

“Did I?”

“You said. “Halp me.” Or I think that's what you said.”

It was so ridiculous that I laughed and that laughter brought the tears again. But for some reason these tears felt healthier than the others. I wept for myself and I wept for Francesca and the loss of innocence. I had realised that I was looking at the world differently now. I wasn't looking for new things that might surprise me or educate me into some new kind of insight into the way the world works. I was looking for things that might kill me or that I might have to kill. And I wept for that lost sense of wonder.

“Help me.” I said after a while. “What do I do?”

“If I were you?”

I nodded.

“Are you kidding.” He grinned nastily. “If I were you I would drop everything and run, probably without thinking about it enough to get my horse. I would run to the nearest bar and drink it. Then I would go to the local alchemist where I would show them a sack and tell them to fill it with all kinds of recreational herbs including several aphrodisiacs and ways to make a man last longer before I would march into a local brothel and make use of as many of the women as could handle me.”

He mused for a moment.

“Possible a bit different in your case. You would head off to pick up Ariadne and show that woman how much you love her. You know, if our situations were reversed.”

His smile faded a little, “But I'm not am I.”

He sighed again and reached into his own bag and brought out another of those bottles of strong apple brandy that he likes so much.

“I can't advise you on this Freddie, I'm sorry but I just can't. I can tell you how I did it and you can form your own determinations from that.”

I nodded. “That's better than nothing.”

“I found a small piece. Just a small thing that I could build on. A foundation stone that I could take forward. A small thing to look forward to. In my case it was the bite of a fresh apple. You know the kind that makes your mouth twist with the almost sour sweetness of it. So juicy that it almost spits in your eye when you bite into it. I became obsessed with finding an apple like that until I finally bought one off a merchant who looked at me in bemusement as I stood in front of his stall and ate the thing in several mouthfuls. I remember him laughing as I asked him in a small voice as to whether or not he had another one and overcharged me for that one which I took my time over.

“Why do you think I insist that we go out and get drunk after several days worth of work and sleeping in ditches and eating shit food and wallowing in filth where people talk down to us and we're surrounded by rudeness and lies. I take us to a place where we can get clean, enjoy good food and be surrounded by beauty. So, I need to pay for the privilege of being loved but, I tell you, that I don't begrudge that money for the way that they make me feel.”

I carefully did not point out to him that there was a person out there that would love him without being paid for it. I decided that Kerrass was not receptive to that right now. He was trying to help me and I thought it was rude if I had tried to distract him from that.

“So that's what you need to do Freddie.” Kerrass went on. Seemingly oblivious to the direction that my thoughts had taken. “Find the small things that make you smile away from the combat. The things that are different from your job, or your self imposed task. You have something long term to look forward to which is to marry a woman that loves you. But now you need something small that has nothing to do with combat, fighting, righting wrongs or educating the masses. You used to get excited about the small pieces of trivia that you would learn on the road. Can you pick that up again?

“I don't need an answer for now Freddie, Just think about it.

“Pick a drink, pick an item of food. Look at the scenery that we travel through. Enjoy the companionship of friends. Feed your horse an apple, watch the sunrise or the sunset and smell the summer rains and the crisp mountain air.

“This is not easy. I won't lie to you and tell you that it is. I struggled with it for a long time but that's how I climbed out of that hole the first time I found myself in it. You also need to vary your techniques, but it can be done.

“But I have one more thing to say.”

I felt drained. Enormously tired and wrung out. “What's that?”

“You were worried by this Freddie. You were concerned by your shifting attitude and you didn't like your hunger for violence or revel in your rage. If you had, this conversation would have been very different and would have happened a long time ago whether you were ready for it or not. You can be proud of yourself Freddie and if you can't do that, then you should know that you don't need to be ashamed.”

I nodded and the two of us sat there, staring alternately into the fire and out into the deepening gloom while passing the bottle of apple brandy between us. We put the pot back on the fire and ate.

“Wow Kerrass,” I said after a while. “Why so wise?”

He smirked. “Don't get too impressed. That's not a long way away from the conversation that I had with an elder Witcher when I was in a similar state. I've been thinking about some of that for a while.”

I nodded.

“So,” Kerrass said after we had stacked the dirty pots and leant back against the stone, “Speaking of the small pleasures in life. Is it time to call them in?”

I chuckled a bit. “Don't you want to do it?”

“Nah,” Kerrass smirked. “It'll be funnier if you do it.”

“Well, as you insist.” I got up and leaned out into the night.

“COME OUT YOU NOISY BASTARDS.” I yelled into the night. “I can hear you breathing.”

There was a delay of a couple of minutes before Sir Rickard stepped out from behind a large tree a short distance away looking sheepish. He put his hands to his mouth and blew making a bird call.

“You can't blame me for following you.” He told us as the other Bastards came out from behind the trees. “Your sister ordered us to escort you everywhere you went and I'm more scared of her than I am of you.”

He walked into our little enclosure and sat on the stool that Kerrass vacated for him before accepting the bottle of apple brandy from me.

“You heard us?” A combination of shame and scepticism in his voice.

“To be fair,” I said. “Kerrass saw you the day we departed. It took me until the day after.”

Rickard nodded muttering something about getting soft.

“So,” he said after a while as I could hear the Skelligan Sergeant ordering a new deployment of sentries. “What were you talking about?

He looked really cross when Kerrass and I started laughing.